Amen, Raewyn, you clearly understand what I am writing about.

You touch on the very reasons that this loss hits me so hard. The connectional spark I had (still have) with my beloved is like none I've ever known. As I wrote in another comment, she is the person who most opened my life up, most saw and accepted me, challenged me most, and loved me most (as I experienced her). But I didn't perceive any of it as fragile in the moment; on the contrary, I thought she experienced me the same way and I felt a wonderful certainty about us. And then she left. Its fragility was part of the shock.

I'm still trying to understand our particular form of "messiness," and I love your choice of words. That's part of what this piece is doing. I don't think this is the final word, but it's a long, long way from where I was a year ago, when I told myself that she never loved me and that I must never have really known her. I prefer to know the truth than to console myself with lies, and those were lies.

Thank you for reading and responding, my friend, and all best to you.