His reaction, to me at least, states clearly that he knew he was in the wrong from the start. This story is as much about ass-holery as it is about trauma.

I clicked on it because I thought you might take it in a different direction (well, and because I read virtually everything you write). From my own experience, I know that I can trigger a traumatic response in the woman I love with all my heart with no intention of doing so and no awareness of having done so until she tells me--and sometimes my response is still "But I didn't intend to do that!" My first response is often to feel "unfairly" criticized rather than to do what love calls for, to respond to the fact that she is hurt.

This is the most painful, needed, and rewarding area of growth that I have become aware of, namely, to settle my own defensive responses, which reach back to my childhood, and attend fully and openly to her; to apologize for what I said or did; and to validate her in her feelings whether I knew them before or not. I am stumbling toward this kind of connection, but it's clear that it will be necessary for the relationship that we both truly want to have.