Thank you, W.R., you are kind to offer such encouragement. Others have said something very similar.

It makes me think that I didn't express something very well: I don't consider this an expression of being hard on myself. I've made a multitude of mistakes in my life, sometimes knowingly and willfully, for which I've usually suffered the consequences. I regret most if not all of those mistakes, not only for their consequences, but for the way I betrayed myself and my own better judgement. As an "ex-evangelical" (but still Christian), I know what it means to be hard on myself. I'm quite good at it.

I think of this piece as a lament. In this relationship, I was largely unaware of the mistakes I was making. I love her. I wanted her to be happy. I did what I thought she wanted and needed. I listened to her, to the best of my ability. I tried to become a better man. And I lost her.

I wrote this to express my sadness at this loss and my understanding of how it happened. I can imagine a version in which I am more critical of myself, but I don't feel that so much as I feel like I lost a wonderful gift; and that's what I tried to express here.

Thank you for reading and responding so kindly. I appreciate you.