What strikes me most in your experience, Klara Jane, is the lack of honesty you received. Even in your first encounter, you realized that he'd reported his weight too favorably. You probably forgave him and overlooked it. But then he was not honest in his claims to count calories, hiding M&Ms, etc. He couldn't face the truth of his self-referential focus and his inability to hear you. If at any point you had experienced more honesty and self-reflection, you might have felt that as a connective effort. Whether it would have been strong enough, who knows? But it would probably not have repelled you.

Sex is clearly where honesty is most needed and usually most difficult. It was the glaring disconnect in the failure of my marriage, and it was the brightest of joys in my last relationship because of the openness and honesty we shared. I'm sure it's difficult for an older man to face performance issues. But all the more reason to lay oneself open and be vulnerable about needs and desires and wounds and everything else.

I can't tell you how much I feel for your situation, which is why I write you so much! There's no way you could have known all this until you were well into it, and you started on that journey with hope and good faith only to be disappointed, quickly and thoroughly. I'm standing at a similar point. I try not to be skeptical about the possibilities, but I have to wonder how many times I can engage with hope and good faith only to realize a deep incompatibility or fundamental dishonesty months or years in. It's kind of terrifying, but I find the prospect of no relationship even more so.

As always, I wish you the best.