Yes indeed, Klara Jane, that is the heart pain I'm referring to. I was very moved by your description of your love for your former husband, which makes perfect sense to me. Even if we know that the person we love is not right or even good for us, even if they do not love us back, we can still love profoundly and unbreakably. It reminds of Pascal's line, "The heart has its reasons that reason cannot know."

This is not a subject I've seen written up on Medium very often, if ever.

I was in a relationship from July 2021 until October 2023. She moved to Asheville to be with me and I sold my house so that we could find one together. I thought she was the love of the rest of my life. But she lost herself in her relationship with me, and I didn't understand that and couldn't hear her trying to tell me, so she left. I was wrecked. But I told myself that she had never really loved or she wouldn't have left, and that I must never have really known her, and other lies to assuage all that pain.

All that ended when the hurricane devastated Asheville six weeks ago and I heard that her studio had been destroyed (she's a ceramic artist). I called to express condolence, and we met, and it took less than a day for me to feel every feeling I ever felt for her...but she does not. She loves me, but not in the same way, because she got hurt before. We have seen each other most days, and shared a lot, but she does not see me as her partner. She's enjoying what we are now, but she does not feel what she needs to feel, and I can barely contain all my feelings.

So yes, I'm happy and terrified and in love and in pain. And for some strange reasons, at the moment, I wouldn't change a thing.