You are NOT crazy, Klara Jane. Please don't think of yourself as a problem! I don't think that's ever true. You're you, and you (and I) will bring our own beautiful qualities and our wounds and failings into any relationship we're ever in.

I used to think that the "right" relationship was one in which my wounds and failings were somehow functional or minimized in the dynamic; if, for example, I were too focused on money but met someone who needed more financial discipline; or if I were physically needy but met someone who longed for touch. Then, I thought, everything would be perfect.

I think there's some truth to that in terms of basic compatibility. But at this moment I think that a better relationship is not the one that "transforms" my failings into virtues, but the one that treats my wounds with tenderness, without calling them anything other than what they are.

I don't know that I'll ever find that, either. Personally, however, I can't stop looking. I think I'd sooner stop breathing.

Again, all best to you. I'm sure you're still hurting from all of this, even though it appears to have been the right decision, and I wish you peace.